Valerian's Lolliland

Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans

2012-03-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

Barefoot

2012-03-20T11:00:00.002-07:00

Walking barefooted...I can feel every single thing that I stepped on. It says I'm still alive :)

Mayday五月天【我不願讓你一個人】 wo bu yuen rang ni yi ge ren

2012-03-20T10:59:00.001-07:00

Everydau

Most of my nights when I walk towards my doorstep..I have this heavy heart...for no reasons holding back my tears..don't know why...this song felt comforting...it says "I won't leave u alone" ...maybe when I needed someone to be there..there's no one for me...being alone is okay for me...but being alone without knowing there will always be someone to be there for me is different...I want to be in love..but I dare not..I want to feel love...it disappoints me...too many things had happened..too little happiness happened...I wish for nothing...If possible..I wish there will be less negative things happen to me..even if there is nothing good. No good guys dare to love me..maybe it's my personality..showing the world that I'm a tough girl..I want someone who will stand up for me..I admit I'm too tired being strong already..too bruised up for a 24year old me. I'm soon going to be 25 next year..I don't want to have anyone who would fool around with me anymore...otherwise..I rather be alone forever.

My kingdom

2012-03-18T10:23:00.002-07:00

Am I really a weird person? ...every since young my mother have been saying I am different from my sisters...is that a bad thing? I tend to tell myself that I like to be me..I don't want to be like anybody else...some people think I'm a freak..from my skin color to my personality...a mixture of almost everything..I love to be alone..away from the world...where no one would/could hurt me emotionally or physically...sometimes I would re-think of what I have done or what I did that there would be bad people want to or even try to bully me...did I do anything wrong to those people? some friends would tell me that those people are just some no life jerks...I am not really bothered..really..but then again...I just don't understand the reason why...I always wondered...how other people would see me...how my best friends sees me..even they know I'm as hard as steel but deep down I'm weak...after all...I have to protect my insides :) my own kingdom...

Today I feel Moody..

2012-03-09T07:00:00.002-08:00

Today I felt moody...it's Friday..but I don't feel like it's Friday..my insides felt moody..but I don't know why...maybe I'm too tired,exhausted from too much of assignments..don't know..sometimes my friends came asking me why do I look so sad..which I'm not..I think...Maybe I'm afraid..to fall in love..to restart..tired....I want to be with someone who makes me feel comfortable to be around is more than enough already I think...I'm really thankful to have so many good friends to be by my side when I'm down and alone..ever since young,I'm so tired to fight for my own when there are nonsense people bullying me...I wish one day..my best friend would stand up for me if people try to hurt me..at least I know..I'm not forever alone...I still have my best friends with me..to hug me when I cry..to laugh with me when I'm happy...

BFF :)

2012-03-07T06:33:00.001-08:00

Ru guo you yi tien...ni zhao tau yi ke nu pengyou..ni houi wang ji wo ma...?

Valentine - Kina Grannis (Official Music Video)

2012-03-01T04:13:00.000-08:00

I know it's not Valentines day but hey, I feel like it's valentines day everyday myself! :D Love the flip animation in this video..and the sweet sweet lyrics..

Hard as steel...and as fine as a butterfly wings...

2012-02-27T03:10:00.006-08:00

Frida Kahlo...such an inspiring surrealism artist.. her life is so exciting yet so tragic..she's such a joyful woman that brings life...and a strong woman who face her tragedies with her own hands...her he'Art' is as hard as steel and as fine as a butterfly wings..she kept it real..

Real talk.

2012-02-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

What is loyalty...what is faithfulness? What are all these things that makes people heartbroken? To me..being faithful and loyal is very important IF you are attached with someone. You get into a relationship not just for fun and in the end get hearts broken. If you truly love someone you would do anything to make them happy..and you would do your very best to not screw things up OR to allow other people come into your relationship. Some people will give loads of excuses or reasons to save their asses from being kicked after they got caught or something..why must one cheat or lie to each other when you are committed? Why must you allow things to happen to your loved ones..? aren't we suppose to protect and prevent negative things to happen to our loved ones? Otherwise..what is called love? If some people have their reasons to cheat...well..screw them because cheating/lying..is a choice..not a mistake..if you intend to have interest in other people and start to think of a reason to lie to your other half.. I suggest that you quickly end the relationship with your other half,WHY? It's simple, if you are not happy with your committed relationship means there is something very wrong with you or to the other one..if you are bored with the committed relationship means you are not faithful enough to keep things going..so don't bother dragging the relationship any further..the more you drag the more lies you are going to tell and the more hurtful you gonna cause to others. If you easily get attracted to other people instead of focusing on your committed relationship..YOU are not loyal..WHY? That's because if you so called LOVE your other half..nothing in this world is more beautiful than him/her. Nothing in this world could or will get your eyes onto other people..If you understand what appreciation means..if you understand what love means..you will have your other half holding your hand smiling until they day you stop breathing...

For some people who don't understand what they are doing or how did they get into troubles..that's because you are not serious about love. That's because you never put your other half first before you. An advice..just grow up. :)

P/S : if you tend to hurt others..don't expect others will not do onto you. What comes around goes around.

Birdy - Without A Word

2012-02-20T01:47:00.000-08:00

And you can tell the world
That you're leaving
And you can pack your bags
And spread your wings
And you can tell them all
That it's over
But while you wave goodbye
I'll be getting closer

Stand there and look into my eyes
And tell me that all we had were lies
Show me that you don't care
And I'll stay here if you prefer
Yes I'll leave you without a word
Without a word

And you can tell the world
That you're tired
But your excuses, they won't work
'Cause I'll know that you're lying
Every time that I see your face
I notice all the suffering
Just turn to my embrace
I won't let you come to nothing

Stand there and look into my eyes
And tell me that all we had were lies
Show me that you don't care
And I'll stay here if you prefer
Yes I'll leave you without a word
Without a word

Wo Yao Kuai Le...

2012-02-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

Today..I saw someone that reminds me of him...I realized..I really still do miss him so very much...I used to feel guilty for leaving him over someone worthless...but the more I look at that stranger..the more I felt warmth in the heart...it felt like he's always there..somewhere in my shattered heart whenever I felt down or heartbroken...or maybe it is really guilt feelings..when I looked at the stranger with his girlfriend..it reminded me of what I could have..reminded me what I had...It's my fault for hurting him..my fault for making the wrong decisions..my fault for believing a liar's lies...I want happiness so much it hurts me so bad...I miss to be in his arms when I cry...I missed everything about him...or maybe I'm too sensitive..or maybe I finally realize about what I need instead of what other people need of me...but I will never will try to go back to him...I will never even try to text him to wish him happy birthday..even when I'm done typing the text ..I will never be able to send it to him..I felt embarrassed to ever interfere his life after the day I left him..I know he hates me very much..I can't even forgive myself..every time I heard the song that he used to sing to me...it's comforting.Whatever I just said above...maybe it is because I'm lonely,bored of being mistreated all this while..maybe it's because I wanted to think of happy moments..that I missed so much..I want to be happy..

A-Mei Zhang 張惠妹 - Wo Yao Kuai Le/ 我要快樂/ I Want Happiness

2012-02-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

2012-02-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Dear, It took so long just to feel all right
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

I used to think

2012-02-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

If he didn't lie ,cheat and took me for granted over and over and over again..

we could have moved out together
we could have snuggle each other at night to sleep
we could have all the crazy moments together
we could have went shopping together
we could have cooked together
we could have midnight talks
we could have little imaginary stories to tell
we could have everything that money can't buy
we could have went out in the middle of the night for supper
we could have been happier..without all the lies and unfaithfulness

from this I learned..he's not the one therefore I should stay and wait for the right one where I can share my everything with.

I'm about to lose my mind..you've been gone for so long I'm running out of time...

2012-02-16T18:55:00.001-08:00

SO FAILED!

2012-01-16T06:21:00.000-08:00

I don't need a guy who is always sorry after getting caught.
I don't need a guy who always lie over a lie.
I don't need a guy who flirts around with other girls when he already have one.
I don't need a guy who always text other girls good morning good night and say the same to me.
I don't need a guy who don't appreciates me.
I don't need a guy who is so damn useless of his words.
I don't need a guy who is a boy.
I don't need a guy who never learn from mistakes in the end it is a choice.
I don't need a guy who always gives me more problem instead of solving my problems.
I don't need a guy who tells me he WILL change when his talk is cheap and no effort.
I don't need a guy who don't take my words seriously.
I don't need a guy who don't know how to take care of my feelings.
I don't need a guy who is irresponsible.
I don't need a guy who is selfish and all about himself.
I don't need a guy who is not a gentleman.
I don't need a guy who is rude.
I don't need a guy who is always so easily influence.
I don't need a guy who is always trying to be someone else to show off to his friends.
I don't need a guy who is attached to his phone more to me.
I don't need a guy who is a scumbag.
I don't need a guy who don't act like his age.
I don't need a guy who always act like he needs to be forgiven after 100x of lies.
I don't need a guy who's into MILFS
I don't need a guy who sleeps with old woman / other people's wife
I don't need a guy who tells me all sorts of stupid excuses / reasons.
I don't need a guy who likes to flirt with other people's gf and still say "she's just a fren"
I don't need a guy who...(so much more that everyone could continue this sentence)

*I believe is goes the same to those slutty hoe's when they are in a relationSHIT..well..not all guys are bad. :) only selected bunch of low life scums are like the above.

What everyone hates the most is a liar who still lie in front of you when you've already known the truth..What I hate most is people who still have the heart to go out and have fun after all the acting dramas. SO FAILED!!

I could be happier.

2012-01-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

I finally found a picture of this...I could be happier if I didn't make the wrong decision in the first place...

Finally It's about Myself.

2012-01-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

In my life I've met someone so worthless that no words can actually describe it..someone who cheats so much n lie so much until he don't even know what cheating or lying means anymore...someone who beg who cry and say all those bullshits on not gona hurt me anymore not gona lie not gona hang out with his useless friends anymore..but in the end he just do all the opposites..hurt me,lie to me,cheat on me,go back to his useless friends who do no good but the same as him...oh well..same birds flocks together..after he got to know he's losing me he still have the mood to hang out with his friends..isn't that pathetic? or smart? I think I could give him an award on the best actor of the millennium and worst bf as well..talk about can't live without me..love me only..BULLSHIT! DOUBLE BULLSHIT! he could take me overseas just to make it up to me for ruinning my xmas on previous year for taking his stupid ex to moscow n lying to me..n he made his friends lied for him as well..to ME! can u believe it??wat have I done to deserve such a cheater?probably it's a sign for me to learn that such person exist in this world. So I don't need to be so naive believing all his words of useless actions if I ever gona encounter such douchebag again..someone who claimed that he don't like MALAY GIRLS and don't like BIG BOOBS are the ones who FLIRT AND LIE MOST..most with malay scandals and stalk big boobed people..anyway..I can figure..how low he is..he likes ugly dwarfed MILFS anyway..I still can't believe ..someone who lied and I knew he's lying still wana lie to my face and tell a million excuse n deny them after that..how pathetic..I pity his mother..he kept looking for WIFI everywhere we go just to text his stupid malay slut who sells ciggarette whom he met in Ipoh and I had to asked him why does he need WIFI when he have me right here infront of him..and so I saw him smirking on his phone after that texting that slut and quickly turned off his phone and ran away from me trying to hide..and I made him show me the text on his BBM and he was so sweet saying all those I LOVE U , Ur DROP DEAD GORGEOUS thing to his slut in ipoh..WTF HE THINKS I AM?! STUPID MALAY BOY! and after that he left me crying there clueless of WHAT THE FUCK HE THINKS I AM to him.. :) and so he proved that he's 100% just a worthlessuselessstupidbastardofthemillennium to me :) I had to kick such stinkylowlifebrainless person who doesn't appreciates me OUT OF MY LIFE! ^^ I feel so happy right now..like I can finally find happiness in my own life..without having some ppl to ruin my everyday life. :) Finally it's about Myself..

It's my karma..

2012-01-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

I feel so terrible...so indescribable..after losing my purse in Bulgaria..after having my heartbreak..after all those terrible things from a terrible person..after a terrible Christmas & New Year...and I only realized..I lost his ring that he hid in my purse...n I didn't have that chance to wear that sparkly lovely ring...a gift that gave me a lot of happy memories and comfort wishes...and It went away with a damned stranger who stole my purse away! I LOST EVERYTHING! MY MONEY!MY CARDS!MY HELLO KITTY GOLD PENDANT THAT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME FOR 10YEARS! MY NEW FISH NECKLACE! I LOST MY TRUST!MY DIGNITY! MY HEART! and his ring...I chose a wrong person over him...and I lost it..it's halfway around the world somewhere in someone's hand...sometimes I come to think of it...since I lost everything...those that means...I'm free?does that means I can start new..?but I don't wana lose that ring!!I left him..n his ring left me..it's karma..I don't deserve his ring. He was too kind to me..and I abandoned him...a friend said "EVERY WOMAN DESERVES A MAN WHO CALLS HER BABY,KISSES HER LIKE HE MEANS IT,HOLDS HER LIKE HE NEVER WANTS TO LET HER GO,DOESN'T CHEAT OR LIE.WIPES HER TEARS WHEN SHE CRIES,DOESN'T MAKE HER JEALOUS OF OTHER WOMAN,INSTEAD MAKES OTHER WOMAN JEALOUS OF HER,IS NOT SCARED TO LET HIS FRIENDS KNOWS HOW HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT HER AND LETS HER KNOW HOW MUCH HE REALLY LOVES HER." and I feel so left out after being so stupid and naive......it hurts so bad...I rather having myself cut ..than being internally heart broken...

The Type Of Guy ..

2011-11-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

The type of guy that I will marry..

Financially stable.
Loyal,faithful,caring..
Gentleman

Most of all..someone who is caring enough to know how I feel..care about every detail about me..someone who will always be excited to talk about me to others..give me securities..plan everything for me..I know there are still such guy exist.. :) I just need to wait for someone to let me know that he is the one.

This guy..that I met in my dreams..

2011-10-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

I had this dream..several times already this guy appeared in my dreams who look rather mix with angmoh chinese...I was dreaming of my "bf" took me and another girl to a mamak stall to eat..but he was rude..so I slapped him in public and he slapped me back by shouting 'u slapped me first!' and I was pissed..asking him to go along with that stupid girl he brought together with us..and I walked away..to the unfamiliar place..so I walked up hill..feeling depressed and lost..the moment when I reached up hill then suddenly this guy appeared in front of me with a huge smile of his face saying "boo!I found u!" and he hugged me..to me..he's just a stranger ..a passer by..he was walking with his mother I think..he have an old lady walking beside him,he smiled at me and said "see you soon" and he skipped happily away with this old lady walking beside him..I was speechless by the action..my phone suddenly appeared a phone number which was not from my list..but It didn't bothered me so I continued walking till evening..I walked to a busy night market..I walked to this back alley of the shop houses and there's a group of uncles looking rather nasty gambling on a round table that they set up..I got attacked from behind..I escaped and start running like crazy having the feeling of being chased by several man behind me..automatically I took my phone out and called that number earlier..I screamed HELP ME and everything went blurry but having the feeling that the same guy I met from the hill is saving me..when I woke up..I thought It was just all a dream..but I woke up to this Japanese crib..I knew my dream isn't over yet..he came in smiling at me,checking on me touching my forehead and gave me a cup of tea..we started talking..he told me he is 16years old..but he don't look 16..we had a few chats and in between that dream I forgot what happened..and suddenly the room went all dark and shabby..I was searching for him..and It felt like a horde is coming towards me..a lot of shadows and with a blink of an eye he put me underground safe room with a young boy...the young boy was comforting me telling me everything will be ok..but I didn't looked at that young boy as I was worried about him out there fighting..and I went unconscious again..the moment I woke up he's there in the corner of the room..I move towards him and touch his face. He told me he can't stay for long..because he will have to leave one day..I asked him why..he said he's not human..he said he died when he was 16..he died 11 years ago..which answered why he doesn't look 16..but 27...It felt weird..I don't feel afraid..but rather safe..I saw his tears drop in the dark shabby room..he told me his family was burned to death in this house..and told me that young boy I saw in the safe room was actually his own form when he was 16..to me..he is an unknown stranger but inside of me..it felt like I've known him for long..he said he loved me very much..before I woke up from my dream..he gave me a kiss..what does my dreams mean?? Will I see him again in my dreams?

Tomorrow

2011-10-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up to tomorrow and I realized it is all a stand still...no more loud noises..no more soaked pillows. And I know it is all just a nightmare..the moment I walked out the door..I knew it's a new day for me...there is nothing for me to be afraid of anymore..because I know I still have my pair of legs to stand tall and strong. Maybe one day someone new will show me what life is all about..someone that I don't need to have problems with..someone who is just meant for me..no one will hurt me anymore. I told myself not to give up, told myself not to forget the lesson I've learned.

Beyoncé - Best Thing I Never Had

2011-10-18T03:19:00.000-07:00

Beyonce - Best Thing I Never Had

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
I said, you turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'll never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the, best thing you never had.
Best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh I will never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now

The Zoo people

2011-09-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am utmost thankful to the journey of my life as I am not always the lucky one and also not over unfortunate , a lot of obstacles I've been through even though at young age , learned a lot about life. Life is really boring , obstacles are heavy , but with people I met that turned out to be my happy pills during my worst days never fail to make me laugh again and lightened up my life :) I wish they will always stay the same as they grow, kind, be themselves, positive..somehow we're like family.. :) no matter how bad life could bring..I know I will always have their shoulders to hang on and they will have mine :) <3 <3

DO NOT!

2011-09-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Do not ever fall for anyone who is ungrateful to you
Do not ever fall for anyone who keeps taking you for granted
Do not ever fall for anyone who never learn from their mistakes
Do not ever fall for egoistic bastards
Do not ever fall for calculative sonofabitch
Do not ever fall for anyone who has attitude problem
Do not ever fall for any coward who just won't grow up
Do not ever fall for any scums who always denies it's own mistakes and wrong doings
Do not ever fall for someone who don't know what gentleman means
Do not ever fall for someone who is a liar
Do not ever fall for any shitbag who keeps telling you that you're annoying when all you did was being caring
Do not ever fall for anyone who just don't know how to put their fucking foot in your shoes
Do not ever fall for anyone who is worst than stupid
Do not ever fall for Dramatics .

And because I have fallen for one before..I have learned my lesson of DO NOT's!

You lost me

2011-09-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

I am done, smoking gun,
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic,and this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our worlds been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected,
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried,oh , how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny,
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic,and this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself,oh

I feel like our worlds been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected,
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry, and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our worlds been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected,
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Otherwise

2011-09-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

..somehow..I miss having someone to tell me goodnight stories, comfort me about my weakness..appreciates me..take care of me..makes me laugh..someone who would care about what I say and understand my statement...I know I will never meet anyone like that anymore..at least I was once a princess,a lil girl and a lady at the same time..for the coming days it will have to be me to take care of my heart...otherwise...

I'm going crazy before you! I can't believe I'm born to live with someone like you!

2011-07-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

All she ever does was admiring her 3 older daughters & her grandchildren...take photos of them,video of them...then all she ever does was complaining about me..complaining about me using her money for my allowance..complaining that I care about my bf more than her..complaint that all my bf are useless...the way she complaint about me was "she have no words to describe how bad I am"..said all I does was giving her burden...wtf can I do when I'm a student? What..as if I can simply and easily get a wealthier bf and tell them to give me money?? I'm sorry mom I'm not like you! You said you will go crazy one day because of me..but what have I done wrong? Just because I couldn't find myself a rich bf and everything goes wrong!?Just because I couldn't find a bf who fit your requirement and it's all my fault!? What kind of mother are you!? I know..just because the fortune teller that my sister spend RM2k to predict about my future and that man tells you that one day I might not be able to continue studies because I'm your burden that's why you believe so??? You said you have no money and you feel insecure..you said your wish was to buy expensive clothes,in this 6months..you started to give me 1k allowance which that allowance includes everything...even thought it's not enough for me to sustain myself ..BUT I TRIED AND I NEVER ASK EXTRA FROM YOU! EVEN A NORMAL CHILD WILL GO CRAZY STAYING IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH YOU! because you kept complaining about nonsense things to my sisters..which is why they have nothing to say to me..you want me to say comforting words to you..I was not born to know how to comfort people..because IN THIS FAMILY..I was not being brought up with comforting people around. YOU ARE MAKING ME HATE MY LIFE! YOU ARE MAKING YOUR OWN DAUGHTER CRAZY! BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT FROM MY 3 OTHER SISTERS ISN'T IT!? AND YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE STAYING WITH YOU!? HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO FAKE MYSELF TO YOU!? I'm not born to be fake!

Maybe one day you will see this...

2011-07-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mum,

You gave birth to me...I know you have never wanted to have a 4th child which is me that you have been complaining about how miserable your life is with an extra burden with me around but you raised me up. I am truly grateful for what you have given me even though things are tough during the process of bringing me up. What I wanted to say or tell,you might never understand because in your mind...I am your daughter and your my mum and I should listen and do whatever you advice is. Well I'm gonna tell what I have always been wanting to say right here now...maybe blame it to the age gap between me and my sisters...you have always wanted me to be close to them...I wish I could be close to them too..to share everything together,laugh,talk,cry..but that never happen..I was so little so young and tiny when they were already in the midst of their high school and usually I would play alone at home in every corner. Sometimes as children we have our unhappy thoughts too but probably you are too busy working with my uncle and having too much stress to sustain the family and neglected how I feel sometimes or even remember talking to me or ask me if I'm happy or not. Sad to say I am not a happy child, the only thing that I started to learn was drawing..as I grow I know I am not fluent to talk as fast or as perfect as other children do..I might be a slow learner but I have feelings too..you object me to draw when I was young..you said everything I drew seems very unhappy and you stop me from drawing...you compare me to others..you wanted my sisters to love me but you have always been complaining to them about me..you complaint about them to me...how is that gonna make me and my sisters to bond in a better relationship? Maybe my sisters era and my era is different..which is why we are never that close..maybe you never see the good in me maybe you never really know me even though I have been by your side ever since I was born. You have always said I'm a very bad daughter for doing things which you yourself can't really tell what did I do wrong..you would tell me that when you were at my age your already a mother and said I'm useless and good for nothing...you would tell me that I never comfort you whenever I see you cry...it's just because I don't know how to..I was born quiet. You can't compare me to the rest of you..you can't say that I offended your feelings just because of what I wanted to wear..you can't tell me what I should be when I grow up...I am born this way and always will be...your youngest daughter is unique in her own way ever since I was born and you know it.I stand out from the rest of the babies in the baby ward..other people insult me ever since I was born..saying that I'm dark and ugly..but I didn't mind didn't bother about what they say about me..but it bother me the most when you insult me along with them saying that you picked me up from the drain from the bin..I remembered I cry when you said that..I never cry whenever people insult me. But you as my mother until today you have never stop insulting me,curse me..even sometimes when we talked about the past and I tell you how you used to hit me..you would deny and start to scold me saying that I accuse you. I didn't blame you for abusing me...and you start scolding me saying that I still remember it until today..how can I ever forget what has been scarred in my brain? whenever you tell me to tell you things in order for you to get to know me..when I try to talk to you..you will find fault and start to argue with me with what I am trying to express..sometimes I get so stressed up because sometimes I lose myself..I don't know who I should be or what I should be..to be the ideal daughter you wish to have or to be myself? Just because I'm different from the rest of your daughters doesn't make me a bad daughter..just because I never thought of being a doctor or a lawyer that doesn't make me useless..just because you think being an artist or a designer have no future..you can't you support me mentally and morally to be the outstanding one and the successful one?You would blame me for not understanding you and your illness of having depression..but what do you want me to do when I'm being brought up unhappily? Did you even know that your own daughter have been struggling with her own emotions?? Why did you always have to push me to the road which I never chose to go or never meant to go...sometimes I think my mind has gone haywire..I wish I was never born to bring you problems and burden..but here I am still breathing..but I have learned a lot from you..I told myself that one day when I am a mom I will never be like you. Have you ever notice that from all your daughters..I never backstab any of my sisters...I never badmouth them to you..I never get jealous whenever you chose sides on who you want to care..I am utmost happy to share my mom with my own sisters..I don't get jealous of what my sisters get that I don't..You want me to stay with you,but you want me to stay with you with conditions..which is if I'm sad or in a bad mood..I can't show you my feelings but you want me to tell you things whether if I'm happy or not..so which do you want me to do? I get so confused of the things you wanted me to do..at one point you want me to go left..another point you want me to go right..which is why I prefer not to stay with you..so you and I won't clash each others feelings that much since you think you are always right. When I was young I tried to run away from you,but you never know why I did that..even when I was young I wrote myself a diary and you read my diary in the end I got beaten up just because I was expressing how I feel in my diary..saying that I was afraid to go home,that climbing up the stairs is like the road to hell..because a little girl was afraid to go home to her own mom..you have to scold me for expressing myself..you never ask why I'm feeling that way..I know you love me..but sometimes instead of being over exaggerating and over protective..please..accept me for who I am. I am myself..I can never be who you want me to be..I know you try to nurture me to be a good grown woman..but you not making me to be who I really am..you're trying to make me someone else. I'm sorry mom for everything that I am not that you want. I love my family. I would love to have my family to love me for who I am.

Neurotically yours,

Your youngest daughter.

Why do I feel so depressed...?

2011-07-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know what will my future brings..it scares me most of the time nowadays when I start to realize I'm 23 already this year..what am I going to do with him..? I don't feel happy anymore..I tried..but nothing goes right..should I go left instead? He himself disrespect me..I give up on being always the person who have all the patience in the world..cuz I find myself getting nowhere..his family don't really like me or they are born that way not being too friendly maybe to me only because they seem to like his ex better..his friends disrespect me..his godsister refuse or avoid to meet me for some stupid reasons..probably in future she will ask her own daughter or son to avoid be in contact with anyone in school or work. Isn't that sad? I am being treated that way..what did I ever do wrong? I guess I know the answer..the answer is me and him are the wrong ones. Or everything I did was wrong..the decisions I made before was wrong..I shouldn't be so nice..when the things he did to me is obviously not worth giving another chance..and all the empty promises are just all lies..and why do I still give myself fake hope? I'm so tired...my whole family blacklist him..it's so hard for me..I am so beat! When will I be settling down with a man who can take care of me and can give me hope about my future? I'm so scared...I feel so useless..and hopeless.

Fake family.

2011-06-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

Hi bloggy...

I'm not happy..I think I'm going crazy...even the nights whenever I had weird dreams of killing people..seeing people dying..is not as stressful as sleeping next to my mum...she have never stop complaining how miserable I made her life..never stop comparing about me to others...never stop complaining about all her daughters..I probably got used to her cursing my future..she would usually cursed that my future daughters will hurt me or do something bad to me..to be honest..I'm not afraid of her evil words..it is because I know I have never did anything bad..I don't do drugs,I don't ask extra money from her besides for my monthly allowance, I tried talking to her but in the end she will take the things I said and start to worry too much about everything..just imagine..non of her daughters wanted to stay with her..there must be something wrong..but all she ever think about is that no one understands her..she told me she have 4daughters 5 grandchildren but she still feels lonely..it's not that I wanna leave my mum alone at home..she just don't get it that she's super annoying..she never and I meant NEVER stop complaining or shout at me over nothing..how am I ever gonna be able to talk to her?? She once told me to chat with her like how I do with my friends..so I did..and she started complaining to me saying that she don't like it because she's my mother..so which is which!? She would even call me and yell at me over the phone for 2hours over a damn GPS map..for not updating the GPS map..isn't it abit too much!? Yes,she's a good mother who tried too hard to give her daughters everything and expect too much from the daughters..I am 11 years of gap with my 3rd sister..ALL OF THEM ARE MARRIED AND OVER 30 YEARS OLD..HOW CAN I BE COMPARED TO THEM!?SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN MY MOTHER NEVER STOP COMPLAINING IT'S BECAUSE OF ME HER LIFE IS SO HARD AND MISERABLE! I DON'T EVEN WISH TO BE BORN INTO A FAKE FAMILY! I know my mum have a hard time bringing up 4 of her daughters by herself..but THAT's her duty! AND I'M NOT HER DREAM DAUGHTER! I'M NOT THAT TYPE WHO WILL SPEAK SOFTLY I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WILL OBEY EVERYTHING SHE SAID! IT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT A ROBOT! I'M HUMAN TOO! SINCE YOUNG SHE NEVER STOP TELLING ME THINGS THAT I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE EXPOSE!all the killing,raped cases news..all the stupid stories she told! She told me she forgive all the "bad" things her daughter did to her..but she will never forget..but when I told her how she abused me when I was a child..she told me she totally forgotten..but can I say the same thing to her that I forgive her but I couldn't forget!? SHE COULD SCOLD ME FOR NOT FORGETTING ABOUT HOW SHE ABUSE ME! SHE COULD TELL ME SHE HIT ALL OF MY SISTERS LIKE THAT TOO! but did she ever grab my sisters hair and smash their heads to the wall and kick them when they fall too!? just because I was slow for turning the lights on for my nephew to go pee!? How can I EVER FORGET THAT! ALL THE NONSENSE SHE GAVE ! all the things she threatened me...what is that all about!?to release stress on me? complaint that my sisters are all jealous of me? HELLO! I'M THE YOUNGEST! I KNOW ALL MY SISTER'S WORK HARD FOR A LIVING..THANKS TO YOU MOTHER FOR ALWAYS BACKSTABBING ME FOR NO REASON! FOR TELLING THEM HOW BAD I AM! when ALL I DID was being myself and living on my own! Just because I can't be fake like the rest of my sisters does that pisses you off!? For any other healthy normal family..I believe they will have arguements with their own siblings and will be ok after awhile..as for me..ALL of my siblings never fight or argue before...they just have this habit of backstabbing each other..I tired running away from home when I was 8..it's because I HATE LIVING WITH FAKE PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO MAKE ME FAKE AND IF I DON'T FAKE MYSELF I GET BEATEN! example of what my mum said to me her is "Girl if you want to stay with mommy can..but make sure you don't show me ur face when ur not smiling or when ur unhappy..but u have to talk to mummy when ur sad or if u have problem "..does that even make sense? I WILL NEVER STAY WITH HER!..even for now sleeping with her everynight is stressful..there is so much to say...to express myself..but I'm so tired of living already...all I know is my existence made my family life so miserable..

Stuckup Month.

2011-06-12T06:49:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern..

This month seems to be the worst month ever! It seems like a month of stuckup tsunami for me..I have to deal with several stuckup people..who try to fuck with me,fuck with my emotions,fuck with my patience..fuck with my brain,my day,my life!First my mom,then my boyfriend..I am NOT always limitless or all patience and I'm NOT ALWAYS NICE to fucked up people who don't deserve me when I'm nice! Whats worst is when my own boyfriend complaining about MY STYLE,MY HAIR and finally he said I'm not so elegant anymore..WTF is that suppose to mean!?He's not that smart looking anyway! Some people tried to teach me to be more of a realist..when I look into a realist point..I DESERVE SOMEONE ALOT BETTER! A LIFE WHICH IS MUCH MORE BETTER! AND YET I NEVER COMPLAINT AT ALL! and now..everyone around me..trying to make my life more miserable when I already am in the state of living in a pathetic life which I have noone to take care of me financially except my mum which is NOT enough for me AND the reason why I owe my credit card for more than 5K ALREADY! WHO THE HELLS GONNA PAY FOR ME!?WHO'S GONNA BUY ME THINGS EXCEPT MYSELF!?AND IS THERE ANYMORE TO COMPLAINT ABOUT ME!? I don't just open my hands and ask for money from anyone. When I'm all lovey dovey..my boyfriend give me his stuckup face..when I asked why..he said nothing..after all the OVERBOARDING events he gave me..and I still am with him..and I still wanna love such fucked up person who fucked up my life..AND HE IS NOT MAKING OUR RELATIONSHIP ANY BETTER..instead..he's making me all pissed off everyday..I'm not a girl that anyone can take advantage of everytime! When I'm nice,y'all don't fucking appreciate..when I'm not nice anymore y'all fucking complaint. Y'all fucked up people should go die! Y'all don't deserve me when I'm nice! Just because I'm nice..y'all never look into me..never appreciate my existence. Fucked up family...FAKE FAMILY..how lucky I am..my mum should know why the hell non of her daughters doesn't wanna stay with her..I'm so fucked..thank you for ruining my life..when it comes to moving out..I wanna move out so fucking bad..but then..thinking of living with my stuckup attitude boyfriend..I feel like I have no where to go anymore...I really feel like running away to far far away only just me in a peaceful place..so I don't need to deal with fucked up people..can someone save me?help me?I'm trying to help myself from all these fucked up surroundings..but it's not getting any good..sometimes I had to hide to cry..hoping one day my life will be better..having someone who can take care of me,love me,care about me,about my existence..I deserve to be happy...

Sincerely,

Me.

Bananacocksplitting personalities. OH YEAH!

2011-05-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since don't know when..I stop wearing black..My closet is usually filled with 90% black..but I've been donating most of em away already.It's a strange thing to go through ones closet..all the garments of yesteryears filled with the essence and memories of my torture past.It's a good thing though..giving it away so new ones can come in.So the new color in my closet now will be more of whites,brown..and other colors.. by the way, my hair isn't black anymore either. I kinda like it too..at least I look more cheerful rather than people telling me that I'm a gothical punk. Well..maybe I was..but I don't care..I am who I am..but I confuse myself sometimes..I have too many kinds of me..as in too many bananacocksplitting personalities.. LOL ..

Rage

2011-05-05T07:39:00.001-07:00

Don't know why...in these few weeks...I just feel like running away..hide..let go..give up..I don't feel happy anymore...I don't feel the sparks anymore..I don't feel lovely anymore..I feel more depressed...more upset..annoyed...worried...unloved..not being taken care of..the way he stare at me up and down with rage in his eyes...not willing to let me view his messages...I feel my love have been cut half...my heart finally tells me that men like these are not worth my time..I feel so disappointed..that he have no quality of being a husband..how far can I go with him if these keeps going on..? I'm so tired to be angry..so tired to deal with anything already...my heart tells me I need a man that can protect me..love me deeply truly...I don't know how to treat someone good when the other party is not treating me well..I tried but It's making me hating instead of loving anymore..

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Dear Problems..I would like to take the rest of my life of OFF DAYS.

2011-04-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

Things have not been going well for the past 2years..not to say few years back..but it has been quite sad & depressing to look back how many obstacles I've gone through even though I'm only 23 this year...my mum told me that my sister asked that future reader guy that "What if I got married to my current bf" & what shocked me was...that man's reply was afraid that even if I got married with my current bf I would ended up divorcing due to some miscellaneous such as probably third party involvement or cheating or something that my current bf does is upsetting me. :( which all came true before & which means it might happen again in near future..I'm so afraid of the pain that my heart is going to take again if anything happens..I don't wanna start all over again! I'm so fed up with life sometimes...it just never ends with problems & problems & more problems at the same time! Moreover his birthday is coming soon...and I have a strong feeling that I might be hurt on that day..or something not good is gonna happen between us..who knows maybe one of his previous scandals,flirters,ex gf's or some random girls that he don't admit it is his "friend" might be there and what if I can't take it!? I'm so scared!! What pisses me off is that the way he said about me is like wanting to tell me I'm just like the rest of the girls he slept around with before..just because he wanted to find what faults did, just because most of the girls he know are almost similar,just because he's a guy who used to flirt & sleep around that he thought I am like one of his kind..things that he said he did he act...will accumulate more & more & the more the accumulation is the more hurtful I get, the more hurtful I get the more that I'm afraid that one day if I couldn't take it I would end us...I don't want that to happen..I'm so tired of living already..please leave me alone "problem"!give me a break!

I have no words to say but I'm just awesome..

2011-04-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm bored & I'm gonna talk about my birthday & my outings... :) I love my birthday gifts & the food I had on that day... :) he bought me a blackbirdfly!! WOOT! even when he's broke he spend a lot on birthday already :) thou sometimes or most of the time he pisses me off..I still love him :P

MY OUTING TO MELAKA FOR FOOD HUNT!! yum! I've always love eating & food hunting.. :D you never know what goodness u've been missing out..we've always been having trouble to think of what to eat,where to eat,what's good what's not...from food hunt we know quite a few good places to eat.. ^_^ mmm~~ I love food hunt with him :P kekeke especially when he's the driver & I'm the entertainer..

love my abnormal life..

2011-03-25T12:11:00.001-07:00

Today onwards I will be pampered & loved...like how I deserve. It is time for me to be taken care of..time for me to be someone's Apple in their eyes..I'm happy that even from all the negativity I can still see the path that I'm suppose to be at..happy that even when things go wrong..there will be someone there to cheer me up. With all that..I am still alive and kicking it :)

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My sweetest birthday morning

2011-03-16T05:21:00.000-07:00

On my birthday morning..I did not want to wake up as I was upset due to some miscellaneous..so I woke up during the afternoon to go to the loo..first thing that caught my eye was a sticky note pasted on the door of my bathroom and so is every where else in the house..it is written 23 reasons of me, why 23? It was my 23rd birthday,he wrote everything nice about me..about us.. ^_^ hehehehe

Wishing for the best for JAPAN

2011-03-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

I feel for Japan...from all it's hard work to build up such amazing country with all the high end technology is all ruined within an hour..and many thousands of people suffering and a lot are dead..what's more heartbreaking is that to know it will take a lot to rebuild the country again. All the children the old people don't have proper medication no water not enough food..due to natural disaster...I wish I could help. All I could do is wish..I'm glad most countries are sending help to Japan where they would very much need it. Aside from Japan, I'm feeling again like the first time when I fall in love. :) When he left I would miss his scent..although it's lonely to sleep alone..I have his pillow to sniff on ^_^ I might not be the luckiest girl,not the riches person,not the smartess girl but I'm happy with what I have and what I am. Japanese are most likely smart people..I hope they could be strong enough to go through this natural disaster together.

devastated

2011-02-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

Love...why..why did love even exist when all I got was nothing when I've given everything!? All I know what love is when you love them unconditionally no matter what happens..I DID! but noone love me truly & fully..noone ever loved me unconditionally..I've give too much until I hurt myself when people don't care about how I feel..I feel very devastated when he said that I never took care about his feelings when just because I stop showing him! I've never felt so angry so hurtful when I love him so much & yet he still have things to complaint about me..not only did he not protect me from other people hurting me...he even joined in. I'm so traumatised! I don't wanna fall! I don't want people to hurt me anymore! I'm not meant for people to pick on me..I'm born to be someone's special & I want someone to treat me the way I deserve to be. I've given too much until I had to protect myself from everything & everyone! I'm tired of all this!

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fear

2011-02-02T09:47:00.001-08:00

I love him...& I am bothered by my emotions too frequent..the fear that shrieks through my heart...I'm so afraid....the feeling of just wishing the earth there's only me & him but nobody else ..

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sad...

2011-02-01T07:56:00.001-08:00

I feel very happy these days...happy cuz I get to smell him again...but sad cuz I easily get over sensitive at things that reminded me of what he've done..sad that I am traumatised that he would cheat on me again..sad that I see that I was not as important as his ex who hurt me over & over again...sad that I fell for someone like him...sad that I easily get angry at how I think back on how awful my bf wud allow bad things to happen..sad that I'm terribly disappointed on how I spend my Christmas & new year pathetically as I have to force myself to treat as if he never exist...sad that the pain In my heart can still be felt till today..sad to say that its hard for me to trust him again...sad to know that he have too many girls..sad that I don't even dare to add him in Facebook as I will know he still have her photos & many other girls photos in it...afraid that he would block me from viewing his lies again...afraid of jealousy if other flirters say anything to him which would affect my feelings...afraid of so many things...the details the unpleasant sight..the only thing that makes me stay is my pitiful shattered heart...wanting to be build up as 1 again...

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Runaway

2011-01-24T01:26:00.000-08:00

I'm home...alone...sometimes I wished he never lied to me..never cheat on me...else..he would be home waiting for me already to go dinner as usual..or I wait for him to come home...we probably would be driving out in the car bumming out to hunt for food & come home with a bloated tummy laying on bed cuddling & snuggling....why must things happen so much in such short period of time? Must he bring along his past to his presents to my life?...I wonder how would it be like..if nothing come between us...probably my mum would love him..probably I'm married by now...there is so many but's and everything that ever happened started from the day I drag him out to the dance floor...it's a dreadful test in my entire life...everything that ever happened....I keep reminding myself to remain calm...telling myself that I will pass the life test that which so ever called "GOD" is putting on my shoulders..I do not fear of obstacles...I fear of my own heart...I'm fear of the piercing pain that stabs through from the insides...I fear to have a heart....he gave me a heart that beats for love...& he breaks the heart that he gave me...over & over again...at the same time yearning for it...which is the truth..which is a lie? How I wonder why, even I left him for good...my heart still beats for him...even everynight when I sleep...hoping to have a good dream ... a so called run away from reality...I don't get anymore sweetdreams...I'm always having nightmare..of him yelling at me...holding other girls hands...and very gruelsome background which I can't explain...I'll get through this I know..I'm not afraid of anything.

30minutes

2011-01-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

30minutes he say...30minutes....yep true...what was i thinking....the minute when I was about to forgive & follow my heart...it's only 30minutes he wants to thank me...I should have never! NEVER FOLLOW MY HEART! FUCK FOREVER! FUCK EVER AFTER!!! my brain was right...he don't need me..he never did...grow old with you is just a lie! ADAM SANDLER FUCK U! FUCK U HOPELESS HEART! UR JUST ALL A LIE!

when I was about to...

2011-01-22T07:43:00.001-08:00

When I was about to burst out in tears,I hold back & tell myself there is nothing for me to cry about...when I was missing you I hold back telling myself that you never exist...when I was about to call you I hold back telling myself I don't know who I'm calling,when I was about to forgive you,you never learn...when I was about to spend the rest of my life with you...you were with her...
Where should I stand?where should I be at? Nowhere...nowhere is where I've been all this while...the dark road that I thought we were holding hands walking together to the light..it was just all a dream...

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pick myself

2011-01-21T19:46:00.001-08:00

His mom called & we talked for almost an hour...before I sleep I have this little thinking session with myself...my brain kept asking me why must he lie why would he say he didn't know the ex is going..else It's impossible for only 3 to go for such long holiday...my heart tells me that I love him still after all his lies...my brain tells me to stop being stupid...everyday no matter how hard I try to forget him I will find that there is something missing in my daily life..but what if I give him a chance & myself a chance like how his mother said..my heart pound faster wanting to keep him..but after seeing that he dropped the letter on my car..guessed he moved on..what if..but I just have to stop thinking of loving him..because even if I were to take him back..he'll always going to be away from me...he'll never going to be there for me as usual..as seen & proven...he rather take his ex on a long vacation instead of his fiancee..as he said to me before..he love his ex more than me..I guess that's the reason why he keep lying to me with the same person..I will never forget how hurtful I spend my Christmas & new year..

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strong

2011-01-17T04:15:00.001-08:00

I need to be strong,strong enough to forget everything that was once called "us" ..don't ever fall for his bullshits that he claimed that he can't live without me..It's all bullshit..he's living very fine right now having the time of his life...most probably back to his own style of living..being a flirter,player..whichever you put it.. I should be fine..be myself..wait for the worthy one..I believe in myself..

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I HATE MYSELF!

2011-01-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

What am I crying for?? Why do I still cry? It's already over! SO MOVE ON EILEEN!....I missed him so much...my heart keeps beating for him...wanting to see him..to hug him...my brain tells me it's wrong! Can I just be heartless??? like how I was before?? I don't wanna have this kind of feelings no more...it's hurting me...he's not worth it! He's a liar! a player! I should go get myself someone better! I hate myself!

awkward Saturday

2011-01-15T05:42:00.001-08:00

Today I woke up feeling sick..cold & trembling in bed..was suppose to do my assignments but brains dead..then I continue back to sleep..thought I was dreaming when I heard my door bell ring..and there's food outside ...so I walked out and saw him...I almost fainted from the unexpected..then so yea ,saw his msges & feeling weird..trying hard to think if did I accidently called him & tell him I was sick when I was sleeping or someone told him...anyhow I just don't know what to do..I missed him...so very much...but I know I can't think of his existence anymore..I have to move on.. to protect myself..my heart.

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No looking back..

2011-01-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

Had to keep reminding myself..DON'T EVER LOOK BACK! It's hard but I know I will overcome it..nothing is easy...I need to stay strong...no matter what...I am better off without hurt & lies...erase every single way that I can...I am determine...that noone else could hurt me..not ever the same person especially...

stress

2011-01-12T04:41:00.000-08:00

Sigh...every night I sleep I will have to turn on a small light... :( how annoying...probably stress been making me having sleepless nights..with tons of assignments...tons of problems...it's so quiet nowadays...I could call it peaceful? but I feel empty and sometimes lonely when I'm alone in my living room..I will need a good stress relief from something as soon as possible...with no need to spend any money...sigh...being broke is making me even hopeless...UGH!!!!! fark u life! fark u very much!

scared of sudden panic.

2011-01-11T10:02:00.001-08:00

Panic attack just never wanna leave me alone when i'm alone.. :'( i'm scared....of nothing...how am I going to sleep!? :'( what am I gonna do with myself ?

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Rihanna "Cry"

2011-01-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truely
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why i'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

How did I get here with you, i'll never know
I never meant to let it get so, personal
After all I tried to do, stay away from loving you
I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

All my life...

=']

2011-01-11T06:36:00.000-08:00

My little shining star...
Missed your company when I'm alone..
Missed the heartbeat that I felt when it was all quiet...
Missed the times when I cried with you...
Missed the times when you made me smile...
Missed the times when we drive around alone...
Before I said goodbye to you..you said "see you soon"...
and it all went black and you're gone.

The Original Cuppycake Video

2011-01-10T05:50:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I remembered this song :D after so many years!

Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry

2011-01-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

R. Kelly - When A Woman Loves (New Single) 2010

2011-01-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

The Everly Brothers All I Have To Do Is Dream Live!

2011-01-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

Toni Braxton - I Hate Love (Lyrics)

2010-12-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

I hate the mornings
Cause I know what they bring
You get up and take a shower and in no time, youre leaving
It sounds so selfish
But i can't help but think
That if you knew how much i needed you
You'd stay

I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
I've had enough
I'm sick of wishing you were around me every day, every night
its way too much
I hate love
I hate love

I hate your phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause all they do is just remind that my baby's so far away
It drives me crazy babe
Cause i need you here with me
I know its hard for you to understand when i say

I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
I've had enough
I'm sick of wishing you were around me every day, every night
its way too much
I hate love

I don't want to feel this alone
Everytime you walked out that door
I start missing you
Wish I didn't need you this much
But i love how it feels when we touch

I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
I've had enough
I'm sick of wishing you were around me every day, every night
its way too much

I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
I've had enough
I'm sick of wishing you were around me every day, every night
its way too much
I hate love
I hate love
I hate love

No matter how good I am...you'll still run back to your ex'es...

Toni Braxton- Why Won't You Love

2010-12-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

Moving soon :D

2010-12-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

I hope It'll be a better place for me to stay at my new room..thou the old landlady is very weird..and scary...all I need is a comfortable room which will comfort me well.. :) all the hectic seasons will end and I shall party and rest and relax till the next war of semester ^_^ WOOHOO!~

Fortune and love favor the brave.

2010-11-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

Since young..I learn to love perfectly instead of finding the perfect lover..just like true love is like a ghost that everyone talks about but very few has seen it...if there is no one appreciates you for who you are and what you did..at least you know you've done your best...I dare to take the risk because I dare to love..I dare to tell the world because it is happiness that I wanted to share..if there is anyone who tries to pull me down..I will sincerely thank them for noticing my hard work on living as a person whom they can't be..each day as I grow..I see things clearly..my surroundings..my life...though my life is not smooth..I appreciates all the obstacles that I've been through..which means I'm still living..and yet I can handle it 'myself'...obstacles is memories that will teach me about life and how to improve myself also it taught me how to differentiate people's behaviors and attitude...Valerian is name to remind myself to be strong..I can live on my own..but sometimes..I do wish I could have someone to love me and keep me safe...it is tiring just to live on my own...but I still will strive through everything that tries to stop me.

I appreciate that at least someone understands..

2010-10-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

ong says:
your problems are not wat a normal human being would have to go thru everyday
Valerian says:
like wat
ong says:
your mom
your money minded family
Valerian says:
._.
ong says:
then u not a lucky person also
Valerian says:
i knw...
ong says:
always tend to have something bad happening to u
getting burglarised, accident et
etc
your frequent panic attacks
and occasion unconsciousness
Valerian says:
...i know..i was being brought up like that since the day i was born..but i still wanna stay the same....but sometimes...i wish there's someone who's there to go thru things with me..
so i dun have to pity myself always

Emotional disorder hits back.

2010-10-07T02:08:00.001-07:00

Dear blog,

I'm scared....I'm having my emotional disorder again...it hate the feeling of panic..scared..depressed..and having the feeling of a sudden cry out of nowhere...even in public..It's getting worst nowadays..but I've tried very hard to stay strong..trying to keep my mind straight...even right now...my heart beats so hard like It's going to explode..I fear of myself..I fear that I can't stand for long..from the past..I thought it's gone..but it's back..I don't wish to have all this at my young age..every night I have been not sleeping well..I will be awake by a sudden fear..even if I could feel happy for a minute..and suddenly I felt like crying from out of the blues..I don't wanna see any doctors...I don't want any medications...I wanna be normal...can anything or anyone save me...give me a hand..I'm scared...I'm really really scared..

Make me the first...

2010-09-27T09:55:00.001-07:00

TheLoveStories: Don't let other treat you as a second choice. You deserves better than that.

The original verse from babyface

2010-09-25T05:54:00.000-07:00

The Loneliness
by BabyVal

[Verse 1]
Im sitting here
Thinking bout
How im gon-na do without
You around in my life and how am I
I gon' get by
I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well boy im not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think im gonna lose my mind

[Chorus]
So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that i will never love again

[Verse 2]
I miss your face
I miss your kiss
I even miss the arguments
That we would have from time to time
I miss you standing by my side
I'm dying here its clear to see
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me
Don't wanna live, I wanna die
If I cant have you in my life

[Chorus (repeat till end)]
So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time, so lonely)
Oh let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again

I need help

2010-09-23T17:32:00.001-07:00

When someone stop dreaming about you,love less, care less about you...that's where all your dreams stopped..that's where your lost..Woke up feeling depressed, going to bed feeling the same..just because you do not know what else can make you find your way to your dreams back. When people took your heart and left it aside,you'll be confused that your heart is hanging somewhere. Cuz your the only one fighting for the dreams to come true...where currently..all my dreams are dead..people stop talking good about you,stop asking about you,stop telling you things after they've got your attention.. I need help..I don't deserve going to bed and waking up having a heavy heart.

Thx for dedicating this song to me......

2010-09-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Rindu Setengah Mati

aku ingin engkau ada di sini menemaniku saat sepi menemaniku saat gundah
berat hidup ini tanpa dirimu ku hanya mencintai kamu ku hanya memiliki kamu
aku rindu setengah mati kepadamu sungguh ku ingin kau tahu aku rindu setengah mati
meski tlah lama kita tak bertemu ku selalu memimpikan kamu ku tak bisa hidup tanpamu
aku rindu setengah mati
aku rindu setengah mati kepadamu sungguh ku ingin kau tahu aku rindu

* I'm sorry..I don't deserve to be treated like that...

I feel sorry for you ..

2010-09-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

When someone can't accept the way you are...fark them,'cuz you know there's a whole lot more people out there that will embrace who you really are. Let's just say...it is too bad for them not to be able to cope with you or catch up with you..for your own uniqueness. :)

Life is nothing until you put something in it..

2010-09-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

When someone came into your life...and everything that one doesn't know about you...I told to myself don't fret...give it sometime..even when disappointment comes to my mind...though I could just walk away and get a better life when all I wanted is to be safe & to be hold tight. Everything in life that I live in, every movement every action every word I said meant something and It has a reason. If one couldn't take me as I am..I am terribly sorry that you couldn't see me yet. As I know I have been honest & truthful before and after every story I begin. If one promised to love you for who you are and be there for you whenever you fall...see it through the eyes of heaven where all the truth lies.. see it through your own heart If the promise is actually a lie...

I wish to myself

2010-09-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

I don't like it when my heart doesn't work well...frustration will come on my mind...When your whole body doesn't seems to be able to move but you didn't want it to happen in public..what's more worst when you're afraid..and when someone doesn't seems to understand..and you have to look for other alternative to make yourself feel better every time.. I wish I don't need to rely on others...I don't have anyone to take care of me anymore like how It use to be. Someday someone will see me in the light and hold me tight.

I should keep it to myself

2010-09-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

I confessed...and I knew I shouldn't have...after confessing..people usually won't appreciate you as much as before as they knew their mission accomplished that you won't run away...it's time for me to switch my heart to standby mode...I don't lose & I will not lose to myself.

Beautifool..

2010-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

Things seems so beautiful when 2 birds flock together,
Only if the storms & floods don't come between...
Everything will just be fine & the sun will shine even when the sky drizzle under the dancing love birds...
When one dies the other suffers the pain...
But them lil flowers will make it go away..

Side effects..

2010-08-16T03:33:00.000-07:00

My name is Valerian...I have some kind of side effects,consuming too much of myself will kill me..consuming the right amount of me would heal me...I was heartless..I finally thought I found one..but I left it aside..I do not know who's heart does that belongs to before I could make it mine..I held it in my arms but I put it aside and walk away...the further I walk the pain on my chest increase...Should I take it with me? Will it kill me if I put it inside of my heartbox...? Should I just go heartless..again..I really don't know...

Promise In The Dark

2010-02-23T04:49:00.000-08:00

Listen
Cant count on you most of all when I really need it
Its the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more Im starting to see it
This cant work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

Listen
I just dont know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldnt see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
Im tired of hearing you say your innocent

Dont think I forgot
Because I really didnt care if youre lying a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

So dont promise me
So dont promise me

THE CASING THAT WE ALL DO TO IT

2009-10-18T02:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Blog,

I notice I'm gaining weight since the day I joined the retarded cheapskate bank which I have to entertain "returded" nuisance whenever they call..as everyday pass by..my ass grew bigger and bigger,my belly getting flabbier and flabbier...and so..I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO FIT IN MY SKINNY JEANS WHICH SUCKS!..yes..I am angry..I am pissed..I am...FAT.. -_- but then again..I don't give a shit about it anymore if I could fit into my pants or not..worse comes to worse..I WON'T WEAR ANYTHING AT ALL! case close..better than those skinny look alike toothpick girls which doesn't have anything but skin & bones on..YUCK! yea yea..I know I shouldn't have say mean things about other people and I shouldn't give a damn about how other people want to look like...because everysingle girls OUT THERE is trying to get ATTENTION from BOYS with penis! All the girls out there are putting on their hair extensions,LASH extensions,nails extentions..TO ATTRACT GUYS and to make themself think that "OH I'M AS PRETTY AS THE COVER GIRL MAGAZINE...OH LOOK~ HE'S LOOKING AT ME..LET'S GET LAID" ...and as for men,they see girls getting all the extentions on the hair,nails,lash..and so they came up with this DICK EXTENSIONS as well so when they look at some "HOT" chicks by the road and they could show off to some "CHICKS" and goes.. "hey..u got some pretty long lashes there..but I have something waaaay longer" -_- sick bastards! anyway..for those who have huge booty or body..DON'T STOP EATING! and DO NOT CONSUME SLIMMING PILLS THAT WOULD RUIN YOUR KIDNEY ..or LIVER! just get your ass off the chair and sexcerise or excersice however you spell it.. -_-.. BE WHO YOU ARE & DON'T TRY BEING SOMEONE ELSE WHICH YOUR NOT BORN TO BE!...sheesh..why am I so pissed..

Yours Truely,
Ass Grower Eileen~

Bloggers Block

2009-10-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I'm trying to think of what to blog on you..the sudden emptiness that came to my empty mind..I do not know how else to describe about this lifeless filthy world that ruin me..everything seems polluted...and I mean EVERYTHING!!! and I'm feeling weird..It is like I am getting insane..ok! ok! I admit..I am slightly insane..but then again! it isn't my fault being this way...its society..the people....the retards... O_O !!! sigh...The earth will soon vanish..destroy by the hands of humanity....how sad.*sigh*

Yours truly,
Unamuse Eileen.

Once Upon My Time

2009-10-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

The time when I first breathe in the air...
Deep down to my lungs...
I cried...
Afraid..unprotected...
and I was covered with blood....
being hand over to my mothers chest...
what's going to happen next?
What am I suppose to do with this life I have?
Why do I have such ironic feelings,
Happy,Sad,Depressed,Angry,Fear,
Why does my eyes leak...
Why does this question of "why" always bothers me...
When the day I'm going to fade away from this world..
fade away from humanity..
fade away from the word FEAR,
I shall sleep deeply...taking out the air I first breathe...
empty my lungs..my mind..my body..
and I shall go back to where nowhere is..

I just don't know what I am...

2009-09-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Kind of bittersweet to know that you're here but I'm not,
Did you forget we were feeling inside?
The times when you hold me tight,
The nights when you sing to me,
So I guess..this is where we stand,
I knew you would run away,
The times when you looked at me and smile,
Did you forget everything we ever had?
You were just about to make me fall even more in love,
I won't forget about us,
I would love to talk to you in person again,
I just wonder...do you ever think of me anymore..
I'll never go anywhere else..
You'll find me where you first found me..
You lift my feet off the ground..
..everything seems to be in slow motion when you're around..
Everything seems to be gone now...

If I was born a bit smarter

2009-09-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

If I was born abit smarter,
Thou I might be young,
Thou I might be a girl,
Thou I might look childish,
Thou everything that people sees in me is nothing,
But everything that contains inside of me is something that YOU can't see,
I might look weak as in being a girl,
As most males would be proud to think;
they are the leader the one,
I might not have a piece of paper;
people called it certs to show ones is capable or not capable of,
BUT that doesn't mean I KNOW NOTHING,
I might know alot more...or nothing at all,
YOU wouldn't know,
If you can...why can't I..
If I can..and it made you feel or look stupid;
then I am truly sorry that I made you feel that way,
Not trying to act smart here,
I might not know everything,
But I know..I'm still young to learn till I die,

*Before you try to start a conversation with me,please use your left brain to think twice in case if you might have attitude problem towards a lady who might despise your ability or capability..or probably you don't mind at all :)

Absence makes no heart fonder no more.

2009-08-31T07:49:00.000-07:00

People say absence makes the heart goes fonder,
Will you miss me if I go away?
Or you'll miss the attention that the person who's giving you the attention?
If i go away..In order to get you to miss me..
..then what is it to have you when I'm gone?
If I have to go away in order for your heart to go fonder..
you might not even notice or think of me as you're not that fond of me..
...in the end I'll just have to go away...

The girl & The Balloon

2009-08-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

People come and go,
Things and Buildings change,
Standing in the middle of everything,
Time flies so fast,
Everyone is getting competitive,
Things are getting more difficult,
Hopes are getting hard to reach,
Liars&Lies are increasing,
Love is fading&faking,
What is real anymore?
Insecurity filling me,
What will make me smile again?
A question that I can't answer myself anymore,
Only having a balloon by my side,
to keep me company.
Hope to float away with it.

I'm broken

2009-08-23T07:17:00.001-07:00

How should I put this...
I've been trying so hard not to fall...
When I met you..
I tumble all around you..
I fall so fast..so scared..
How am I suppose to do...
Thinkin' about you day and night..
Wishing that I could have you by my side,
Asking myself.."am I crazy"
I just wanted you to know the person that I am..
We could share our love truly,
There's so much that I want to know from you..
There's so much to show..
Miss the way you touch me..
Those flashbacks won't leave me alone..
Do I ever cross your mind..
You made got me crying like a child..
Today I miss you more than ever..
How could I ever dare to fall for another..
I'll be wishing to have one more night together.

The GREEN MUSE

2009-07-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

"la fée verte" the green fairy..
takes ones to wonderland,
seeing yellowish green..
in your eyes,
makes you wonder
where am I,
oh please don't hide,
come out come out..
don't be shy.
Your hide n' seek is driving me wild,
oh green fairy..
you've turn me into the beast,
a menace.
Take me to your green green land,
I'd miss the feeling you gave me dearly,
The little fairy dust you sprinkle on me..
makes my heart goes fonder.
Take me there again..
to the above...
and beyond.

I am disturbed by somethings...

2009-06-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

As people know that I could see things which are unseen since I was very young,
but I didn't know this time I felt scared...
There was a grasshopper outside of my room door steps few days back,
and I kicked it away as I did not want it to enter my room...
I notice something has been following my shadow..
and when I entered the bathroom..the grasshopper was there..
my shadow split into two different directions which it isn't suppose to happen..
I was having a weird feeling seeing my own shadow in two different ways as the lights is suppose to be on my left and my shadow will reflect on my right...
I had goosebumps...and walked into my room..online..and had a few chats as usual..
I felt sleepy and hop onto bed..when I was about to fall asleep..something was stopping me to open my eyes and to move...and it starts to mumble around my ears and my mind..I was pissed and terrified...as I know this is no weak souls..I haven't been shaking this badly after all these years..when I felt irritated by the voices around my ears I wanted to fight back but there's a gush of ROAR in my mind...I finally got up and turned on the lights called my friends but my phone ran out of credits so I am only able to send text msges to make myself feel awake..
As the weird part happened is..the grasshopper is already in my room..
I did not know why it is there and why it has to be MY room..
I am always afraid to be alone as I know something will visit me again..
This might sounds stupid..BUT I DO BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND I NEED IT TO LEAVE ME ALONE!

Nightingle

2009-06-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

When dusk falls,I'll just sit in my room,
Start questioning myself "why"
when there is no answer on the other side.
Alcohol kills the sorrows for that moment
and lift your soul up for a second..
Thinking 'bout what would happen next doesn't seems to matter anymore.
The feeling of pain just couldn't stop cutting through my veins,
where the blood is as red as wine..
Does it still matters if I am heartless or you could say cold blooded...
where there is no warmth no souls in the casing,
Fullmoon seems so bright at night,
It's 'cuz there is nothing there to be with...
When dawn is near...
Don't wake me up....let me live my dream..

I'm going to watch MAN UNITED in MALAYSIA~

2009-06-13T13:27:00.001-07:00

Woo hoo~ MAN U coming on the 18 JULY!! can't wait..
My dear friend JIVEN got me the tickets!!
The game starts at 5.30pm..gonna be hot and im gonna be dark..
ROAST PIG!but oh well..it's not like I get to see them live in malaysia everyday.
So it's gonna be HAWT and FUN!!
Whoever is going~ SEE YOU THERE!!!

xOxO!

I'm In Love With This Doll House

2009-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

The first glance,I walk closer...as i walk closer,the smile on my face getting wider...this lil'darling doll house is captivating...cute..every details is so pretty..wish i was tinnier to fit in that doll house...
Mr Tan Ee Shuang is going to get one for me as a reward,
to put his name here in my blog on this very fine day...hehe..but seriously...
this doll house is absolutely amazingly pretty..

Wake up and get going..

2009-06-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

Every night...I am afraid to sleep alone,
Every morning...I am afraid to wake up alone,
Sit up on my bed...hiding everything under my blanket,
In every possible ways...
I smile to myself in front of the mirror
I see someone else in it...
I put on my clothes,my lipstick,my eyeliner,
to hide my sadness face away,
Walk straight as if I'm ok..
Smile whenever people's looking at me..
Put the smile aside when I'm in the corner..
I don't know why..
I feel like peeling myself out from this skin I'm wearing...
Set it all free..You'll see..

I set my mind..my mind don't set me..

2009-06-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

This very moment...
i've been thinking alot...
this time..it's about myself...
What if one day I would forget...
forget about all the problems..
all the sadness...
and since not much people likes to listen to me sober...
...i'll be glad to have someone to make me happy for a day...
..people have been telling me that I could find someone..
someone better..somebody who would live with me..
someone who would really hold my hand and walk with me..
..*sigh*..
Frankly..I'm tired...tired of all the journey...
tired of waiting...tired of being alone..
I've been so numb...
so restless..
I wish i don't exist...
I wish everything would go fine..
Not losing anyone..not losing everything...
I might be annoying....
...annoying makes me forget...
I'll always try to paint my wall in rainbow color when it's fading..
..to keep myself happy...put my emo aside...
But i fail eventually..cuz' there's noone painting it with me....
Born with the word emo in my blood...
living with it..

Wasted

2009-06-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know just what I'll do
Everytime you walk into the room
Oh my head is spinning around
And I can't see clearly right now
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you
I don't know if I'll survive
In this magical land behind your eyes
And there's all these funny little men
There all asking me to dance and sing
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you
Red and yellow pink and green purple and orange and blue
All of the colours I see my love everytime I see you
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you

I'm booooooored...

2009-02-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

Hi..i feel like dying sometimes..
Hah!what a start...
um..I find that my life is interesting as noone can handle me..
cuz everyone seems to think that I'm crazy,
They say I'm insane at times,
But they never really think why...
I know why..it's cuz they are all the same...
Unlike me...for some reasons..
In my life..there is actually someone who can handle me..
someone who knows me..
someone takes control on my feelings...
but then..i lost it..HAHAHAHA!!!
to something which is not that special..cuz it's too common to find..
Probably i was too bored with my own life,
trying to think that it would be different..
and so..BANG!!i died and fail to believe what i wanted to be...
maybe i'm being too perfect that some creature which is imperfect could not understand how perfect i could be..
*giggle* i seriously don't know what i'm crapping about now..
BUT!!i do know that i happened to fall into the DUMB catagory..
I couldn't help to try to believe in something that would make me feel wanted,at times i felt that being in those common catagories bores me..
It's not like me anymore,cuz those creatures think too simple..
I doesn't wanna live my life like any other girl..
It's too easy..not interesting enough to be alive..
Probably I expected too much from this planet..
which..dissapoints me from landing onto the ground.
I live my life to the fullest..but things stop me from living in it..
WATCH OUT YOU HIDIOUS CREATURES OUT THERE!!!
KARMA AWAITS!

I got tired waiting..

2009-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

It hurts,it just does..
Why am i still here with you,
Why am i still with someone who has no love,
Every kiss you kissed me,
Makes me confused,
I do not know if it's real,
Or it's fake,
I do not know if it comes from the heart,
Or its just for fun,
I do not know what is your plan,
I do not know why wouldn't i get love,
Did i do anything wrong to get this in return?
Or am i not good enough?
Spending everysecond with you,
Makes me happy but tears kept filling my heart,
As i know i am just almost nothing,
Everynight I spent,
I cherish and wish something better will happen
in the morning.

Tell me,
How does it feels to be loved this much,
Tell me,
Cuz' i never got the chance to experience it,
Tell me,
How does it feels to not love back,
Tell me,
Cuz' i wanna learn not to love anymore,
Tell me,
Do you think it's fair for me?

How am i going to make it alone,
when all you offer is a help,
but not going through it with me...
How am i going to face the ones who warned me,
How can i let myself let you go,
This I gotta' learn...

Cuz' when i'm with you,
You made me think of the times i spend with my past love,
I finally feel the past i gave up on,
was a mistake...
but i was wishing for better in coming years or days,
It seems like nothing is moving,
Everything is still and stiff around me,
I understand there is no perfection,
But love...has no limits,
If there is no love,
There is no hope,
No life,
No point of being attached.

I wish you would looked me in the eyes and tell me you love me,
But i guess that wouldn't be you,
I will learn to let go..
Day by day,
Till one day..
I shall leave for better.

I should have....

2009-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

I should have wake up,
I should have known it coming,
I should have defended myself,
I should have get what i want instead of giving what other wants,
I should have be in good hands if i look further,
I should have take myself up high,
I should have not fall into peer traps,
I don't want to be this way,
It was never what i've planned,
But I shall wait for the one,
Till then I will feel protected and loved again.

What I Once Had..

2008-12-20T02:16:00.000-08:00

Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like,
Because the one you like will leave you for the one they love,
find one who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep,
wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world,
Who holds you hand in front of his friends,
Wait for the one who constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you,
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and say.."That's her"..

A very special christmas for me.

2008-12-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just around the bush..can't wait till the day comes..'cuz I wish this christmas will be different from the past christmas..I wish this christmassy will change for the better...give my life a new change,a new feeling,a new heart as my heart is already old and rotten enough..hehe..I wish I would make myself a nice romantic day even if I were to be alone.This Christmas is what I plan to change for myself,I will get what I want in my way this time.

What I like most.

2008-12-17T06:29:00.001-08:00

I missed you sometimes,I missed the way you hug me...on the streets,on the stairs,in the dark almost everywhere we go...I missed the way you took care of me when I fall sick,I missed the way you look when you got jealous,I missed your love that you pour on me..it's like forever...the things I missed the most is the sweetness you gave me...but most of all..is the way you made me feel like I'm the most important person in your life.You never made me feel like I need to fake myself telling myself that you care and love me alot..it is because you really do love me from the bottom of your heart.You never think twice if you would be the one for me because you already knew you wanted to be with me till the day we die.Unlike now...it's just all a dream..a dream that I've always wanted will only remains as a dream.

It's time for me now.

2008-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Things been going calm in my insides...I didn't allow all those darker sides of me conquer nor the happy sides of me..I'm all calm..neutral...What am I to do now?Why am I this way?Shouldn't I be happier instead as I've already accomplished dumping someone who loved me for more than 3 years and also been a pain for 3years and gain back to feel burden-free?Do I always fail?Why do I always seems to be affecting others when I'm all sad and lonely?Was it me or I have noone who would held me tight with affection when I was in the dark?Think back again..I was the only one who held myself..I was the only one who try to held others who is in the dark.Probably I was doing it too much..Probably it's time for me..it's time for what I want.This world is not just me,but I don't wanna be the one who has to please the rest of the world anymore,I wanna let the world see me and join me.

Superhuman

2008-12-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How'd i survive when i can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees
But thats the moment u came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think i'm invisible
I see though the me i used to be
You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beating me
nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
Strong
Since i've been flying and righting the wrongs
Feels almost like i've had it all along
And i can see tomorrow
Where is problem is gone because
I flew everywhere but love inside of me
Its unbelievable to see how love can set me free
You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did it to me
Super human, heart beating me
nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
Its not a bird, not a plane
Its my heart and its going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I can feel like i can do anything
Going going, i'm gone away in love
You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did it to me
Super human, heart beating me
nothing can stop me here with you
Super human

If I were a boy

2008-12-03T08:54:00.000-08:00